Did he really just tell me to smile more? Here's what to say back.

Have you ever wondered how people describe you when you’re not in the room? If you’re a woman in business, most of the time you don’t have to guess. I started thinking about all the names I’ve been called and adjectives that have been used to describe me (to my face) throughout my career: stone cold killer (😂), intimidating, mean girl, babe and ball buster, to name a few. Once I was even asked by a former ECD to add smiley faces to my emails—because he and the other men in the office felt I was too brash (for a woman) in my written communication. Writers love hearing that.

My therapist, Dr. M, said that oftentimes the way people describe you actually says very little about you, and a whole lot more about them. For example, if someone tells me I’m intimidating (as they often do), what that really means is that they are intimidated by me.

Forget sugar and spice and everything nice. You’re a woman, not a pumpkin pie.

Now I’m learning to flip the script on these kinds of comments. When someone says I’m intimidating now, I say something like, “Yes I am a strong leader and I refuse to settle.” Or “Yes, I’m an empowered woman but I can also be very disarming and warm.” It’s one small way of educating my coworkers that all women don’t belong in a box: naughty or nice, sweet or salty, pretty or smart.

We’re decoding those off-color comments and giving you the ammunition to coolly, calmly fight back. Next time you hear one of these choice phrases in the office, you’ll be ready to respond like a total pro.

They say: Baby/Babe/Honey/Sweetheart

What they really mean: I don’t take you seriously and all I see when I look at you is a pair of tits and ass.

What to say back: I prefer to be called by my given name in a professional setting.

They say: You're bossy

What they really mean: I’m threatened by your contribution of ideas and effective management style. I’m also pissed I have to report to a woman.

What to say back: Yes, I am a leader.

They say: Bitch/You’re acting like a bitch

What they really mean: I’m pissed that you do not agree with me, and I can’t use my words to form an intelligent argument.

What to say back: Would you say that a man is a bitch for aggressively pursuing a professional goal?

They say: Catfight

What they really mean: Women are in a disagreement so it must be about something petty or irrational.

What to say back: What do you call it when men disagree at work?

They say: Soften up/you’re too rough around the edges

What they really mean: I’m not comfortable with a woman who doesn’t consider emotional labor part of her job description.

What to say back: Can you point out specifically what you think I’m doing or saying that is too brash for a woman in the workplace?

They say: Add some smiley faces to your email. (This actually happened to me)

What they really hey mean: I find you unapproachable because you don't conform to the gender roles I'm comfortable with.

You say: I'd smile more if women had equal pay :)